feelin' used

still, he comes to me only when he needs money. he probably will for quite a long time to come. One day i might possibly have a real conversation with him. one day he might care about what i have to say, or want to learn from the mistakes i've made so that he doesn't have to go thru them himself.

One day he might want to just go out for a beer, or grab a burger and tell me about what's happening in his life. One day he might ask about what it was like in our house when he was a little boy. or even, what life was like when i was a little boy.

one day he might allow me to be generous with what i have without it being requested or expected of me. one day he might realize that i have a unique perspective on life, and a few recommendations about what's truly important and not just and empty waste of time.

One day he could come to me and tell me he's in love and want to know how to know the right thing to do, or even ask my opinion of the person he's fallen for, seeking my approval in a hugely significant part of his life.

but for now, he just wants money, mostly to put gas in the car so he can spend his time with people other than me. Sometimes it seem like ANYONE other than me. And if he could avoid having to come get it, he'd rather have me bring it to him, or even have his mother come get it for him from me.

so yeah, there's that.

Too Much Good Stuff...

I've got too many topics for today... let me pick just one.

I cannot wrap my brain around people not willing to take responsibility for the things that are legitimately their responsibility. I'm talking specifically about the numerous men on this planet that won't pay their fair share for the child support they owe. I mean, it's just wrong! These guys that are always whining that they shouldn't have to give money to a woman that doesn't love them anymore for a child that does love them (hopefully) just makes me sick.

Now some of it may just be that I've done my fair share. I voluntarily paid the percentage of my income BEFORE anything was officially ordered because it was the right thing to do. And then my life actually got easier when it was ordered to come out of my paycheck every payday. I didn't even have to think about it anymore.

Now we're down to the last 2 or 3 payments. I must admit, i'm looking forward to a little bit of a financial cushion. Not that i'm not still responsible for my son. But after years and years of barely making it paycheck to paycheck, a little bit extra every month will be a welcomed relief.

But back to my original point... there's no excuse for not sending the money to help put food on the plate of the child you're responsible for.

so don't let me catch you doing it again!!!

Dear Son

My Son My Son...

Take a moment, just a moment, to put all the things of this immediate world on hold. Take a moment to look at the big picture and not just the urgent details right in front of you. There's some things you need to know.

First and foremost... I love you! I chose you! I knew when i adopted you that there was a chance your mom and i wouldn't stay married. My choosing to make you my son had nothing to do with my relationship with her.

Second, I'm proud of you! There will never be a day that i won't proudly stand up and say "That's MY Son!" You are a wonderful person! Unique and Original. There's no one like you and who you are has amazing value.

and now for the other stuff...

It's on your shoulders now. The choices, that is. You need to know so much and yet you'll never seem to know what you need to when the choice comes. You'll do the best you and hopefully some of these words will be remembered.

Please please please... look at other people. Think deeply about what it's like to be them. What is life like for them. What hurts them, what makes them feel good, what are they going thru right now. What's happening in their lives that influences the choices they make. And try your best to have understanding for them.

Whenever possible, put off gratification until later. Don't fall for the "buy now pay later" sales pitches. It's ALWAYS better to suffer a little now so that you can have better things later. That goes for money things and work things and friendship things.

Show respect to your parents. You're going to want their help at some point in life. Either some money or some time or some work or for them to watch your kids or SOMETHING... make sure they know you love and respect them. It can only serve to help you later.

and i've got more... so much more... but it'll have to wait for other posts.

Just know that whatever else there is... i love you. ALWAYS!

-------Dad

The "X" Factor

Ok, so the last thing i wrote about was balance. Balance in life, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc... Then I didn't blog for a whole month. WHAT'S UP WIT DAT???!!!

Well... I decided that the "physical" part of life needed some attention. I've been "inactive" far too long. Put on way too much weight in the last 5 years (45 lbs!!!) and have had the diet of college frat boy (the four food groups are pizza, mac-n-cheese, beer, and Jack Daniels right?)

So i decided to order P90X. the 90 day exercise and nutrition plan from BeachBody. With Tony horton alternately pushing you "to the edge" and encouraging you "be smart" and do what you can, I'm learning to "Bring It" everyday and "just keep pushing play!!!"

So in a nutshell it's a 13 week program in 3 stages. Work 3 weeks, rest and recover for the 4th (which is much more "recover" than rest by any means. It really means focussing on cardio and core work instead of resistance training) and each week is 6 workouts that vary, one day resistance training of chest and back, the next is cardio "Plyometrix" followed by arms and shoulders, yoga x, legs and back, and Kempo x. You can either take the 7th day off, or do the X Stretch routine.

So i'm one month into it. I mixed up the workouts a bit my first week, so i've added a 4 week before i head into my recovery week next week. I have to say without a doubt This Program Has Changed My Life!!!

I'm 37 and i realized that i was headed the completely wrong way on the health and wellness continuum. The option of living a long life was starting to look slim, even if i wasn't looking slim at all. Increasing waist size was the least of it. Having "manboobs" and being embarrassed to wear t-shirts was bad enough, having to "consider medication options" for high blood pressure and other medical ailment that "happen to every guy at one time or another..." (if you know what i mean...) really made me aware that a change had to be made.

And then there's this other component. A little piece of emotional baggage left over from my marriage / divorce. The understanding that my not taking care of myself wasn't only a sign that i didn't love myself, it was also a sign that i didn't want to be strong, happy, and healthy for my spouse. The damage done to the "love of a lifetime" that i thought would never end turned out to be irrepairable. I was unconciously telling my wife i didnt love her enough to make sure i'd be around and be as healthy as i could be. That it was okay with me if i died early. So.... I have a new love now, and it's important to me that she sees me take care of my health and love myself, because i love her and want the man that she loves (uhh... that'd be me!) to be strong and vital and energetic for a long time to come.

So... like i was saying... i'm 4 weeks into it and i feel amazing. Some of the changes i've made include:

• eating breakfast everyday (i NEVER used to eat breakfast and i'd usually just go all the way till dinner and then have a huge meal... no wonder i was so fat!)
• i take my vitamins everyday!
• i exercise for at least an hour (sometimes an hour and a half) at least 6 out of 7 days a week.
• I go to bed by midnight (usually, sometimes slightly later, but not 2 and 3 am like i used to) and get plenty of good sleep.
• I plan my time so that i can do the workouts. No more "i just don't have time" excuses
• I plan my meals ahead of time. I have b-fast, a snack, lunch, another snack, and dinner (okay and maybe a protein shake or another healthy snack in the evening)
• i have only 1 cup of coffee per day and have given up soda completely. I still let myself have beer... cuz life without beer is, well... ya know...

so those are the changes i've made, and as a result i feel INCREDIBLE! My clothes fit better, i've lost a little bit of weight so far, but most importantly i have energy. A nice even level throughout my day. It's easier to wake up in the morning and get moving. During the day i don't have those "crashes" where i'm fighting to stay away, and i sleep better at night. I'm mentally "clearer and more alert" too! And on top of it, most days i'm in a really good mood. When i feel stressed (like this week... it's been a really bad week) The exercise gives me a great outlet for it! By the time the video is over, i'm drenched in sweat and riding an endorphin high like you wouldn't believe.

so my plan is this. I'm going to take things in stages. Since P90X was meant for people who are already in good shape, with the purpose of "getting them ripped" and i was, well... not in shape at all (unless you consider ROUND a shape) I have decided that i'm going to do a few rounds of the 90 days. Probably at 3. This first round is to just develop the habits. Get used to choosing to exercise every day. Get used to making good food choices. Get used moving and pushing and pulling and lifting and squatting and jumping and breathing and breathing and breathing. When i started the videos, i couldn't make it thru any of them! But every day i'd do at least half. And even then i couldn't do all the exercises the way they do on the video. It's okay though. They encourage you to "modify modify modify" and take breaks and pace yourself etc... Now i make it all the way thru, but i still modify. Sometimes i'm embarrassed by stuff. Ya know, like the pushups i do have to be the "girlie pushups" on my knees instead of on my toes, and the dumbells i use for the arm and shoulder workouts are little 5 lb ones instead of the 20 and 25 lbs they use on the videos... but ya know what, nobody else has to know (oops, i just said it on the world wide web... uh oh...) and i've gotta start somewhere. I'm already noticing i can increase the rep on some things, and i can do more lunges and do them deeper, and i can increase the weights on some other things... and progress is GOOD!!!

My goal for this first 90 day round is to be able to do ALL the exercises on ALL the videos ALL the way thru as many reps as they do. I'm sure by the end of this round i will have lost weight (as of last week i've lost 5 lbs and i'm hoping by the end to have lost 15-20) and i'll be feeling so much better than moths ago. The second round goal will be to do everything at their pace and work on increasing the weights to build size. If i make it thru all that, then the third round will hopefully help me "get ripped!!!" okay okay, i don't necessarily want to be all that ripped, but i want to feel confident about my appearance, and i'd LOVE to be able to take my shirt off and not be embarrassed, and i'd love for my girlfriend to enjoy the way i look too.

So here i am... 30 days into "the rest of my life" with a new way of living and a new way of looking at things, and i couldn't be happier!!

Looks like I found my "X" factor, huh? :-D