thankful

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving again. There's so many things weighing me down. So many things stressing me out. So many things distracting my thoughts. The best way out of it that I know is gratitude.

I'm thankful for:
The love my parents gave me growing up. To have a happy childhood tucked away in the back of my mind at all times has been an amazingly strong foundation to build everything else off of.

the fact that life is better than it was. The things that bother me daily are nothing compared to where I've been.

the fact that my divorce was significantly less painful and stressful than many of the others I've heard of.

that every time i get upset or stressed out about my son, there's always a reminder that many others have it much worse than me.

For all I've experienced with my Lovely Lady. Though we have our differences and our imbalances, there's been more joy and happiness, more growth and learning, more of everything that makes life worth living.

for food in my fridge
a dependable car to drive
gas in that car
all the adventures and travels i've been on this year
the clothes i have to wear
the friends i've gotten back in touch with
the friends i've always STAYED in touch with
the love of my family
and the music in my soul.

Thank you, Lord, for all of the above and anything else that i'm blessed with that i've forgotten to list.

balance / imbalance

it all feels out of balance today. like i'm the heavy one sitting on one side of the see-saw. I just want to enjoy the ups and downs... but i feel like i sat on it, it sank to the ground, and now i'm not going up.

feelin' used

still, he comes to me only when he needs money. he probably will for quite a long time to come. One day i might possibly have a real conversation with him. one day he might care about what i have to say, or want to learn from the mistakes i've made so that he doesn't have to go thru them himself.

One day he might want to just go out for a beer, or grab a burger and tell me about what's happening in his life. One day he might ask about what it was like in our house when he was a little boy. or even, what life was like when i was a little boy.

one day he might allow me to be generous with what i have without it being requested or expected of me. one day he might realize that i have a unique perspective on life, and a few recommendations about what's truly important and not just and empty waste of time.

One day he could come to me and tell me he's in love and want to know how to know the right thing to do, or even ask my opinion of the person he's fallen for, seeking my approval in a hugely significant part of his life.

but for now, he just wants money, mostly to put gas in the car so he can spend his time with people other than me. Sometimes it seem like ANYONE other than me. And if he could avoid having to come get it, he'd rather have me bring it to him, or even have his mother come get it for him from me.

so yeah, there's that.

Too Much Good Stuff...

I've got too many topics for today... let me pick just one.

I cannot wrap my brain around people not willing to take responsibility for the things that are legitimately their responsibility. I'm talking specifically about the numerous men on this planet that won't pay their fair share for the child support they owe. I mean, it's just wrong! These guys that are always whining that they shouldn't have to give money to a woman that doesn't love them anymore for a child that does love them (hopefully) just makes me sick.

Now some of it may just be that I've done my fair share. I voluntarily paid the percentage of my income BEFORE anything was officially ordered because it was the right thing to do. And then my life actually got easier when it was ordered to come out of my paycheck every payday. I didn't even have to think about it anymore.

Now we're down to the last 2 or 3 payments. I must admit, i'm looking forward to a little bit of a financial cushion. Not that i'm not still responsible for my son. But after years and years of barely making it paycheck to paycheck, a little bit extra every month will be a welcomed relief.

But back to my original point... there's no excuse for not sending the money to help put food on the plate of the child you're responsible for.

so don't let me catch you doing it again!!!

Dear Son

My Son My Son...

Take a moment, just a moment, to put all the things of this immediate world on hold. Take a moment to look at the big picture and not just the urgent details right in front of you. There's some things you need to know.

First and foremost... I love you! I chose you! I knew when i adopted you that there was a chance your mom and i wouldn't stay married. My choosing to make you my son had nothing to do with my relationship with her.

Second, I'm proud of you! There will never be a day that i won't proudly stand up and say "That's MY Son!" You are a wonderful person! Unique and Original. There's no one like you and who you are has amazing value.

and now for the other stuff...

It's on your shoulders now. The choices, that is. You need to know so much and yet you'll never seem to know what you need to when the choice comes. You'll do the best you and hopefully some of these words will be remembered.

Please please please... look at other people. Think deeply about what it's like to be them. What is life like for them. What hurts them, what makes them feel good, what are they going thru right now. What's happening in their lives that influences the choices they make. And try your best to have understanding for them.

Whenever possible, put off gratification until later. Don't fall for the "buy now pay later" sales pitches. It's ALWAYS better to suffer a little now so that you can have better things later. That goes for money things and work things and friendship things.

Show respect to your parents. You're going to want their help at some point in life. Either some money or some time or some work or for them to watch your kids or SOMETHING... make sure they know you love and respect them. It can only serve to help you later.

and i've got more... so much more... but it'll have to wait for other posts.

Just know that whatever else there is... i love you. ALWAYS!

-------Dad

The "X" Factor

Ok, so the last thing i wrote about was balance. Balance in life, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc... Then I didn't blog for a whole month. WHAT'S UP WIT DAT???!!!

Well... I decided that the "physical" part of life needed some attention. I've been "inactive" far too long. Put on way too much weight in the last 5 years (45 lbs!!!) and have had the diet of college frat boy (the four food groups are pizza, mac-n-cheese, beer, and Jack Daniels right?)

So i decided to order P90X. the 90 day exercise and nutrition plan from BeachBody. With Tony horton alternately pushing you "to the edge" and encouraging you "be smart" and do what you can, I'm learning to "Bring It" everyday and "just keep pushing play!!!"

So in a nutshell it's a 13 week program in 3 stages. Work 3 weeks, rest and recover for the 4th (which is much more "recover" than rest by any means. It really means focussing on cardio and core work instead of resistance training) and each week is 6 workouts that vary, one day resistance training of chest and back, the next is cardio "Plyometrix" followed by arms and shoulders, yoga x, legs and back, and Kempo x. You can either take the 7th day off, or do the X Stretch routine.

So i'm one month into it. I mixed up the workouts a bit my first week, so i've added a 4 week before i head into my recovery week next week. I have to say without a doubt This Program Has Changed My Life!!!

I'm 37 and i realized that i was headed the completely wrong way on the health and wellness continuum. The option of living a long life was starting to look slim, even if i wasn't looking slim at all. Increasing waist size was the least of it. Having "manboobs" and being embarrassed to wear t-shirts was bad enough, having to "consider medication options" for high blood pressure and other medical ailment that "happen to every guy at one time or another..." (if you know what i mean...) really made me aware that a change had to be made.

And then there's this other component. A little piece of emotional baggage left over from my marriage / divorce. The understanding that my not taking care of myself wasn't only a sign that i didn't love myself, it was also a sign that i didn't want to be strong, happy, and healthy for my spouse. The damage done to the "love of a lifetime" that i thought would never end turned out to be irrepairable. I was unconciously telling my wife i didnt love her enough to make sure i'd be around and be as healthy as i could be. That it was okay with me if i died early. So.... I have a new love now, and it's important to me that she sees me take care of my health and love myself, because i love her and want the man that she loves (uhh... that'd be me!) to be strong and vital and energetic for a long time to come.

So... like i was saying... i'm 4 weeks into it and i feel amazing. Some of the changes i've made include:

• eating breakfast everyday (i NEVER used to eat breakfast and i'd usually just go all the way till dinner and then have a huge meal... no wonder i was so fat!)
• i take my vitamins everyday!
• i exercise for at least an hour (sometimes an hour and a half) at least 6 out of 7 days a week.
• I go to bed by midnight (usually, sometimes slightly later, but not 2 and 3 am like i used to) and get plenty of good sleep.
• I plan my time so that i can do the workouts. No more "i just don't have time" excuses
• I plan my meals ahead of time. I have b-fast, a snack, lunch, another snack, and dinner (okay and maybe a protein shake or another healthy snack in the evening)
• i have only 1 cup of coffee per day and have given up soda completely. I still let myself have beer... cuz life without beer is, well... ya know...

so those are the changes i've made, and as a result i feel INCREDIBLE! My clothes fit better, i've lost a little bit of weight so far, but most importantly i have energy. A nice even level throughout my day. It's easier to wake up in the morning and get moving. During the day i don't have those "crashes" where i'm fighting to stay away, and i sleep better at night. I'm mentally "clearer and more alert" too! And on top of it, most days i'm in a really good mood. When i feel stressed (like this week... it's been a really bad week) The exercise gives me a great outlet for it! By the time the video is over, i'm drenched in sweat and riding an endorphin high like you wouldn't believe.

so my plan is this. I'm going to take things in stages. Since P90X was meant for people who are already in good shape, with the purpose of "getting them ripped" and i was, well... not in shape at all (unless you consider ROUND a shape) I have decided that i'm going to do a few rounds of the 90 days. Probably at 3. This first round is to just develop the habits. Get used to choosing to exercise every day. Get used to making good food choices. Get used moving and pushing and pulling and lifting and squatting and jumping and breathing and breathing and breathing. When i started the videos, i couldn't make it thru any of them! But every day i'd do at least half. And even then i couldn't do all the exercises the way they do on the video. It's okay though. They encourage you to "modify modify modify" and take breaks and pace yourself etc... Now i make it all the way thru, but i still modify. Sometimes i'm embarrassed by stuff. Ya know, like the pushups i do have to be the "girlie pushups" on my knees instead of on my toes, and the dumbells i use for the arm and shoulder workouts are little 5 lb ones instead of the 20 and 25 lbs they use on the videos... but ya know what, nobody else has to know (oops, i just said it on the world wide web... uh oh...) and i've gotta start somewhere. I'm already noticing i can increase the rep on some things, and i can do more lunges and do them deeper, and i can increase the weights on some other things... and progress is GOOD!!!

My goal for this first 90 day round is to be able to do ALL the exercises on ALL the videos ALL the way thru as many reps as they do. I'm sure by the end of this round i will have lost weight (as of last week i've lost 5 lbs and i'm hoping by the end to have lost 15-20) and i'll be feeling so much better than moths ago. The second round goal will be to do everything at their pace and work on increasing the weights to build size. If i make it thru all that, then the third round will hopefully help me "get ripped!!!" okay okay, i don't necessarily want to be all that ripped, but i want to feel confident about my appearance, and i'd LOVE to be able to take my shirt off and not be embarrassed, and i'd love for my girlfriend to enjoy the way i look too.

So here i am... 30 days into "the rest of my life" with a new way of living and a new way of looking at things, and i couldn't be happier!!

Looks like I found my "X" factor, huh? :-D

BALANCE

It's all about not getting too obsessed with any One Thing. Okay? Spread it all out. Be equally good in multiple disciplines. Be able to see the arguments on both sides of the fence. Put yourself in your opponents shoes long enough to understand.

Everything in moderation... especially moderation, okay?!!!

TODAY I SAW...

Possibly the worst business decision i can remember seeing.

American Airlines is in the middle of a HUGE quagmire (sp) having canceled hundreds of flights nationwide for failing to comply with FAA regulations regarding electrical wiring. HUNDREDS OF FLIGHTS!!! Literally Hundreds of Thousands of People have been affected, and stranded, and offended, and pissed off... and the CEO of AA "Takes Full Responsibility" but claims AA can handle the loss of the tens of millions of $$$.

In the middle of this is a lady, we'll call her Cathy (not her real name), and Cathy went to the airport for her flight today. Her business trip calling her to go somewhere that doesn't really matter, and upon her arrival at the airport she's stuck in the quicksand of thousands of people standing in line to fix what is irrevocably broken. Waiting lines that are HOURS LONG... and watching flight status boards with more cancelled flights than can be counted. She's not going to make her flight... she's not even going to get on her flight... and in fact, she chooses to go home.

Well... it turns out AA didn't (let me repeat, DID NOT) cancel her flight. The did cancel the 5 that preceeded it, and the 6 that were scheduled after it... but her's... well... they decided to let that one operate as scheduled.

Guess what airlines do when you don't show up for a flight that actually flew.... yep... they cancel the rest of your ticket and don't give you a refund for any of it! The wont reinstate your flights, they wont re-accomodate you on another departure next week, they won't do anything for you.

Now I understand that they weren't obligated to do anthing for Cathy. She bought a ticket on a flight that actually flew when it said it was going to fly, and she had chosen not to get on it... too bad... so sad...

But c'mon!!! You've already lost TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!!! Is it really gonna break the bank to let Cathy fly on a plane next week without charging her another $600???!!! Is it really so horrible to understand why, when looking at a line of enough people to populate the country of Venezuela, she decided to go home? Can't we use just a smidgeon of common sense and a dash of compassion and at the very least refund the ticket she bought???

According to American Airlines Executive Connections... it would seem that the answer is... NO.

What a shame.

I've Got Stuff To Say

All I can do is give you my "Two Cents Worth", and i've got plenty of it... What you do with it is up to you!

I've been quiet way too long. Not that keeping my opinion to myself was always bad or wrong, but i think it's time to let some things out. We'll start with a few of the basics, and down the road we'll dive into the deeper things.

First, and foremost... FOR GOD'S SAKE PEOPLE, JUST LOVE EACH OTHER!!! Do I have to quote Bill and Ted's "Be excellent to each other" ??? Is it really that difficult to separate how you feel about someone's actions from how you feel about the person themselves? Holy Cow! Let It Go! From here on out, i expect all of you to express when you don't like something without insulting the person who's doing it. Let them know "i don't like this thing you did or said... but i do love you!"

Secondly, PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!!! We all have our burdens, we all have our obstacles in life, we ALL have reasons why it's difficult, in this life, to be us. Stand up and be a Man (and by be a man, i mean Be A Grownup!) and take on as much as you can possibly take on! I like to portray it with the analogy of carrying camping gear. We all have our own packs with our own stuff to carry AND there's a bunch of big huge stuff for the entire group that also needs to be carried. I completely understand that there are times where you cant help carry all the big gear, but please please please know that i'm not going to carry all the extra gear AND your individual pack! It's really simple, everyone carry their own pack and then those that can, help with the big burdensome stuff, okay??? Okay.

Third, and last for tonight, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Seriously, it is not noble or even admirable to sacrifice your health and well being under the guise of "i have to take care of someone else and my wellbeing (or health or happiness or strength or success or anything) is just not as important as theirs is.

Your body, mind, and soul are your vehicle through this existence... if you do not maintain them, nourish them, take care of them, exercise them, grow them, and protect them... you will NOT be able to help all those other people who are Oh So Much More Important to you! In the camping analogy, just as it's wrong to make someone else who's carrying their own pack, and the big gear for the group to also carry your personal pack... it's just as wrong to carry so many other people's packs and gear that you cant possibly carry your own!

Put it another way... You can drive the car you own as far as you want. 100K, 200K, even 500K miles... as long as.......... (yup, you guessed it!) you take care of it! You maintain it, wash it, put gas in it, change the oil, the spark plugs, and fix it if it breaks and in return it can carry you (and additional passengers) as far as you need it to! In life... you have to treat yourself as you would your car, and if you do, you can support and take care of and help all the others that you want!

Okay, I'll leave you with those for now... and i'll be back later with more of my two cents.